god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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