so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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