he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
