Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
