all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
