Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
