mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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