I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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