New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
