I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
