Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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