I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You have to summon your inner elephant
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
