When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I cut my penus on the lid.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
