if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
