I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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