you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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