I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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