2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
