Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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