im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
