Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
