Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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