i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
