the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
