I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
