He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
