I puked a lego.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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