Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Randomize
