I'm eating all of the evidence.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
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