The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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