I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
