I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
