Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
