New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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