I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
