If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
