Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
