Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
