I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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