Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
