Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I just want to make out with him forever
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
