I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
