So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
the raccoons are back...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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