I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
We had to coat check the pizza.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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