You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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