sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
