whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
