i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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