I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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