Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
